NICE are NASTY

This is my story

I already had 4 children when I was pregnant with my Matthew. My youngest daughter was 6 years old, so my new baby was a bit of a surprise to the husband(now ex)and me. The husband was furious that I could get "yourself pregnant"!! he didnt speak about my baby at all.
In March of 1991 when I was 5 months pg we moved in to my mummy's house,she had had a massive stroke in 1987 and needed 24 hour company. Then the ex started to acknowledge my baby (in company of course).
My mummy had a heart attack and was admitted to hospital on the 24th of May thank god she was ok. We arranged for her to come home on the 3rd of June, as it turned out I had an appointment at the same hosp that morning so I took my mummy's clothes with me and see her after my 36 week anti natal.
I knew there was something not right the evening before! but it was easier to keep thinking "its gonna be ok I got hospital appointment tomorrow" When it was my turn to see the midwife I was thinking "somethings wrong ..... I just know somethings wrong" when she listened for my babys heart my mind was screaming out "somethings wrong!" she didnt say a word to me, she went off and brought back heart monitor,she was feeling my baby to see "what position he is in" she listened again and again my mind was screaming out "somethings wrong!" she didnt say a word she went off again and came back with another monitor to "record his heartbeat".
I was strapped to this monitor and by then I was waiting for her to say "im sorry your baby has died" she didnt say a word!
she went off and came back with a form and another doctor to take me down and have a scan" as I laid there looking at my baby with no heartbeat I noticed the sonographer was much less chatty than usual and all the time my mind was screaming at her "tell me he has died! just say it!" she didnt say a word.
I was escorted up to anti-natal in silence and told to sit in a room, I waited for another midwife who I had never met before to "have a word with you" She came in the room and said "Your baby has died, and you need to go to the labour ward as soon as possible" I thought "there you ....you said it !!!!!"
I told her I had to go and see my mummy now, and they were waffling on about me having to go to the labour ward and I just kept replying "I have to see my mummy now"
I went to the ward where my mummy was and when I arrived a doctor was on the phone talking about this mad woman whos baby had died and she was on her way down to see her mum!!!!!!!!
When I told my mummy what had happened she cried like a child.
I phoned the ex and told him our baby had died and he said "you are joking!"
I said "who in their right mind would 'joke' about something so awful?"
I gave birth to my Matthew at 11am the next day after a long night of hearing 4 other babies being born.It was pure hell knowing after my final push my baby was not going to cry!
I held my son in my arms so close to me. He was the most beautiful baby and looked so peaceful and asleep. All he had to do was breath
discussing my babys funeral was the most painful conversation I have ever had.
I came home the next day and took a picture of my Matthew to show my mum she asked me if I called him Matthew I said "yes mummy, thats the name we chose for him 6 months ago"
I didnt tell mum about Matthews funeral because her health had deteriorated over the next few days and I didnt want her to be laying in the hospital bed thinking of me burying my baby
I stayed at home after my matthews funeral not wanting to go out and feeling an utter failure and more so for letting my children down.

I managed to go back to the hospital to visit my mummy on the 23rd of June I had a big cuddle with her and I so wanted to cry in her arms and be comforted and for her to say "it will be ok" but she was still poorly and I didnt want to make a scene and upset her ............ my lovely mummy died the next day.


to be continued >>>>>>>>>>>>